Releasing Emotions & Uplifting the Mind

what-causes-negative-thoughts

Wednesday morning I was getting ready to meet my friend Sarah to talk about setting up a charity called Cancer Support. The postman was early today and I heard the letters fall to the floor. I checked the mail and I saw that one of them was from the hospital it contained my tumour marker results. As I opened the letter I went into shock and panic, my tumour markers had risen dramatically to a high level, I started to have a panic attack and hyperventilate. This could mean that my cancer had now spread to stage 4. I cancelled my friend and just sat and cried as I repeated “oh my God!”

I managed to calm down and decided to wait until the next day when I had an appointment with my oncologist and my cat scan results would show exactly what was going on. My friend Hazel who has supported me through this whole journey came with me. I sat in the chair waiting for the results, I was hoping for the best, but unfortunately he confirmed what the tumour markers had shown, I now had stage 4 cancer that had spread to the bone and lymph. A memory of a conversation I had with a friend echoed in my mind, she told me her mum had breast cancer and then said “once it had spread to the lymph that was it” My mind was now overloaded with panic and dark thoughts!

I spent two weeks in deep depression and I know all the self help gurus say to keep positive but the fear, the pain and the depression is immense and it needs to be released. Shouting and crying is what I did for 2 weeks. Finally I slowly  lifted myself out of it and started to look forward with more positivity. I was now going to receive regular hospital treatments every 3 weeks. I also decided to re-train and take charge of my mind with regular meditation, positive affirmations and mantras. I had seen a documentary on a man who was in an aeroplane accident and he had over-heard the doctors telling his family that  he would be paralysed from the neck down for the rest of his life, he couldn’t even swallow. This man thought “I still have my mind, and if I have my mind I can beat this.” So every minute of every day he concentrated on re-building himself. One year later he walked out of the hospital and was totally cured. His name is Morris E Goodman.

With the knowledge that people can heal through the power of thought alone has influenced me to try whatever I can. Firstly using the power of the mind and then communicating with my body by connecting to my cells consciousness. I am eating organic fresh food, receiving medical treatment and also raising money to receive immunotherapy. Oh yes! and balancing my chakras and hara line and working on an energetic level too!  I will be fighting this cancer on every level possible. Im living it and breathing it every day!

I have found a mind programming protocol that fits into my life; which consists of an I am mantra for 30 minutes in the morning and at night,  followed by a meditation. This I can do regularly.

I set myself a task of walking along the beach for an hour every day but it seems to only happen once a week at the moment so Im really trying to fit this into my life no matter what, fresh oxygen going into the body and the power of the breath is also very healing. I also created a vision board, I have done this for years and found that it works 50% of the time, so Im focusing on good health and also using a Buddhist mantra that welcomes blessings into my life.

For 3 days I forgot to do the “ I am” positive affirmations and I felt quite depressed. I have experienced more uplifting emotions and thoughts when I use positive affirmations and meditation on a daily basis.

Core beliefs: As a therapist I always loved finding and healing peoples core beliefs and when I started as a hypnotherapist and past life practitioner I watched many people change their lives through just one session. So Ive worked on core beliefs on myself but never really healed them 100% because Ive been too busy etc. Recently I used the emotional freedom technique and Ive healed 3 core beliefs that may have led to me having cancer! The first was “life is a battle” I believed that life was a struggle and I found I was always fighting with people in some way or another and couldn’t understand why, I was spiritual, I focused on love, so why did people battle with me? Because my core belief was “life is a battle”. This is now healed, it took 2 or 3 sessions of EFT and now I feel totally different about life! I love life and I love the beauty and magic of nature, I almost feel in awe of it! And now I cant even comprehend why or how I had that belief. I always said as a therapist and teacher once you have found your core belief you have healed 50% of it! You have to be true to yourself and let go of the ego to find it.

My second core belief was “I hate myself” and “everybody hates me” I also had this belief that God was judging me and didn’t like me much!?! I am not sure where these beliefs have stemmed from or when they started, Im guessing in childhood. Unfortunately this core belief has effected my life in huge ways! A lot of time was spent in abusive relationships and now I understood why! If I hated myself then my partners would reflect that self hate back to me! A German doctor said many cancers come from extreme emotion or shock, breast cancer can sometimes relate to abusive relationships in a persons life, or a shock within a relationship. This is just a theory but I wonder if people researched peoples emotional lives at the time of cancer diagnosis what would come up?

One positive thing that has come out of this cancer journey is that its helped me eliminated all these beliefs and value myself more in a compassionate way, I no longer have to prove myself or try and change myself to fit in. I can be true to myself and others. Ive used EFT and mirror work to help this healing process.

I can truly say from my heart that I have encountered enormous loving compassion this year. People are helping me and its …. well there are no words to describe peoples generosity and warmth of spirit its heart warming, its humbling, its miraculous!!!! Some people have so much love to give it makes me in awe of them!

So through my deepest fear and my darkest moments I have seen nothing but love and beauty. My perceptions have changed about life, the world, people and most of all of myself! And now Ive learnt to truly love me and give myself time and healing and not feel guilty about it!

So Im writing this message to you! Release emotions, let go of dark thoughts and heal your life and most of all love you  😉 Because you are loved more than you know 😉 AND LIFE IS A GIFT so make the most of it!

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A Quest for the truth

2016-transformationA Quest for the truth

We must all be prepared for ripples of transformation, nothing ever stays the same. When we feel broken and all is lost, we can rise up from the ashes and go on a quest for the truth. This maybe internally or externally but if we are open to answers we will find them. We will find them in unexpected places and when we take notice of everything around us, the people we meet, the songs we hear and most of all nature, we then start to see the bigger picture. So what is the quest for the truth? It’s a magnificent journey of self-discovery, its changing the way we perceive the world. Our observations and interpretations of the world right now are just a filtered lens based on our personal beliefs. When something rocks our world either positively or negatively it enables us to see beyond our own limitations and beliefs, which then facilitates us to open up to new and different possibilities. Our paths are forever changing and intertwining, weaving in and out of other people’s paths, creating a life journey that is unique to us. Change and transformation is inevitable; change will lead us to our greatest truth or a more open heart, the greatest lesson is to not fear it. Each experience creates our life. Every minute we are creating, every thought and emotion will have a cause and effect. Through the waves of thought and emotion we create life here on earth and life that can only go on by encountering change and transformation.

What I’ve always known and am experiencing to the maximum right at this moment is that your inner world reflects in your outer world. There will be no more blame, guilt or self-sabotage, things have happened and now it’s time to heal the wounds and move forward with love and grace. Healing is a journey of self-discovery that leads you to the truth. It’s the key to transforming your life. Cancer is a horrible life threatening disease but its helped me open my eyes to the true meaning of life and open my heart to the greatest gratitude of life. Seeing and sensing the beauty of the very essence and magic of life within every living thing.

Hufeland Klinik Day 1

For those who have followed my blogs, a diversion took place 2 weeks ago. After deciding to go to Latvia and have virotherapy, more opportunities arose. In one weekend I had to choose between Latvia and virotherapy, go to Germany and receive ozone therapy along with several other immunotherapy treatments, stay in England to receive specialised treatment, or go to Frankfurt to see professor Vogl (the man who treated Farrah Fawcett). I weighed up the pros and cons as follows;

  1. Virotherapy is extremely successful for skin cancer and also shows great results for liver cancer. There seems to be no documentation of results with breast cancer.
  2. Hufeland Klinik offers many treatments to boost the immune system, adding high antioxidant treatments as well as accommodation and full board. I personally am interested in PDT , mistletoe treatment, localised hypothermia, blood wash and the high dose vitamin c injections that are all included in the price.
  3. Professor Vogl has eliminated tumours with a microwave current being injected straight into the tumour as well as localised chemotherapy. Dr Vogl is in Frankfurt near the Hufeland Klinik
  4. Dr Sharma in London can conduct a blood test that will show exactly what your personal cancer will react to. He sends your blood off to Greece where they test your blood against different types of medication including chemotherapy and different herbs and vitamins like wormwood, vitamin c, green tea and even baking powder. Each person responds differently to different therapies, vitamins and medication. In general they have found 70% of people react positively to wormwood and vitamin c and only 30% of people react positively to chemotherapy drugs. Each one of us is individual, therefore when you read that someone has  cured their cancer of green tea or cannabis oil it shows their individual success. It may not be your individual success. This sounds ideal, but I have waited 2 months already and waiting a further 6 weeks for blood test results doesn’t rest well with me at this time, I need to start treatment asap.

With the money I have, I decide to go to the Hufeland klinik for 2 weeks, they suggest 4-6 weeks but my funds are limited. After the 2 weeks I will either go to Dr Vogl or Dr Sharma.

February 16th 2016

The day is here, the day that could change my life forever. I can hardly believe that I will be in Germany soon having treatment. I open the huge curtains and look out of the Radisson Hotel room window and say “Goodbye England” I then contact my daughter with a list of jobs to do. I will miss her and my little dog so much but I have a mission and that is to heal and be perfectly healthy.

As the plane takes off I feel a sense of freedom, no more worrying about bills, no more stress and I start thinking about how I will create my new life when I am better. I look out of the plane window and see the houses so small, no bigger than my finger nail and my mind wanders to the millions of people down below me, who, like me are stressing and just trying to get by in life. I wish with all my heart that I had the power to make peoples lives easier with less struggles, if I had the power right now to zap down a cloud of healing, I would. A big lesson for me and something that awakened within me whilst I was writing “The 7 principles to transforming and healing your life” is that the outside world is a reflection of your inner world and your cells and atoms are your inner universe. So at the time everything was going wrong for me, my inner universe was also going crazy. I was killing myself with under nourishment and too many bad toxins like alcohol and cigarettes, emotionally I was stressed, anxious and felt alone. So if I was abusing my inner world then it would make sense this would reflect outwardly. Maybe I can heal people by teaching the 7 principles? The thought drifts away as my heart starts to beat faster, the plane starts to land.

Now if you or a loved one is thinking of going to the Hufeland Clinic please be aware the Germans are mad drivers, they drive extremely fast and they go extremely near to the car in front and change lanes so quickly. You will have to hold onto your seat and go through 40 minutes of palms sweating. I am sure a few noises came out of my mouth like “woah” and “aaah” that’s universal language for “You are a crazy, mad driver!”

When I first arrive at the Hufeland Clinic Im a bit disappointed and scared. Its very clinical and my room is like a hospital room. I didn’t have time to unpack, I was given forms to fill in and then had an appointment with the doctor immediately. Im given a bag and a white sheet and told to take the white sheet to all my appointments. I feel scared, I think I had imagined a spa rather than a hospital but reality strikes and I sit patiently waiting for the doctor. The nurse then takes me into a room and conducts an ECG, tests my blood pressure, weighs me and then gives me a bag of vitamin tablets and a timetable of when to take them. Ive seen 3 patients so far and every one of them looks pale and on deaths door, this upsets me and scares me at the same time.

Then I meet Dr Demuth for the first time. He has a nice office with pictures of the Dalai Lama next to him and Buddhist monks. “Oh so you’re a Buddhist” I say to him. After this we continue to talk whilst going through medical procedures at the same time. It looks like we have a lot in common, our views are exactly the same spiritually and in life. He makes me laugh and he tells me about his past life experience as a Buddhist monk, this makes me feel more at ease. After 2 hours of talking I leave and Im late for tea. I sit down with 2 Canadian ladies and have a lovely talk and we make arrangements to meet up and go for a walk tomorrow, we also book ourselves on the meditation class and laughing yoga class on Thursday.

It is now 7pm I arrived at 3pm! Its time to now unpack suitcase and tell my friends and family Im ok and safe. I unpack then switch off the light in the bathroom, quickly realising its not a bathroom light its an emergency cord, a nurse knocks on my door! I feel embaressed and explain to the nurse its an accident, so I lay in bed and start to ponder on what tomorrow will bring….. then an hour later I go to the toilet and pull the emergency cord again doh! Great start!

 

 

 

December 13th 2015

Today was the beginning and the end. I didn’t know what this day would bring, but I was scared at the prospect of bad news. Bad luck seemed to have possessed me throughout the later part of my life, with an abusive relationship pulling all happiness right from under my feet! Two years ago I started my life again from scratch, I thought things were changing for the better as I started to change my mind set. I started manifesting wonderful things and I understood the language of the universe and the subconscious mind! I had my own radio show, I conducted a TEDX talk and I was on the path to living my dreams! But today, today was the beginning and the end!

My heart was pounding so fast I had to gasp for air, tears were uncontrollably running down my face. I felt like a fool! I was just sitting in the waiting room with my mum but I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. It was only 4 months ago when my mum had been through the same thing and I can remember holding her in my arms as she was shaking and crying. Holding your own mother in your arms somehow weakens the soul, my mum! Once so big and powerful in my eyes, now trembling like a frightened little girl. I comfort her and stay as strong as I can. Now it’s my turn, or not, only time will tell. Time is slower than I’ve ever experienced and every time I look at the clock the second hand moves in slow motion. As we sit waiting for my name to be called my mum tries to distract me by joking and talking about the colour of the walls!?! I know I’m over reacting so I try and calm myself down by taking deep breaths.

My name is called and a breast surgeon examines the lump that I’ve tried to ignore for most of the year, it’s an embarrassing situation, but after the examination she tells me that I need to have more tests. I put a hospital robe on and we are taken to another part of the ward to sit and wait again. I recall when this happened to my mum, they took 3 biopsies from her breast, she wasn’t expecting it and it frightened and shocked her, she then returned a few days later and was told she had breast cancer. This shook me and my daughter’s world, I looked up in the sky and shouted “Why?” and then begged God to heal her every day. Now she is sitting with me waiting again for the inevitable news.

I’m taken into a room to have a mammogram, I swore 4 months earlier this is something I would NEVER do, yet here I am with no choice. I take deep breaths and every time its squeezed painfully tight by the machine, I just hold my breath and count to 10. This seems to work well with my psyche, I start to relax and tell myself everything’s going to be ok. I return to my mum in a much lighter mood and we joke with the nurses.

The nurse returns with a concerned look on her face “We have to do more tests” She was very reassuring as I walked back into the mammogram room. This time it was very uncomfortable and counting to 10 didn’t work, it was extremely painful. I asked to see the mammogram and she showed me two areas that they were concerned about. Next was the ultra sound and then the doctor took 3 biopsies of the breast, blood dripped on the bed, it’s a horrible procedure and I can understand why it upset my mum. We had been in the hospital for over 3 hours I was exhausted and numb. I looked at the nurse in hope “what do you think the results will be?” she proceeded to tell me “it doesn’t look benign.” I walked down the corridor as my mum chatted away trying to lift my spirits. I was just dazed and emotionless …. What if this is it? What if this is the end? My life had just been one emotional turmoil after another, one failed relationship after another. I’d always clung to hope, hope that I would find the love of my life, optimism and anticipation that I would achieve my dreams! Now hope and optimism was drifting away fast.

 

I sit round my mums just watching television, I have a warm cup of earl grey, I watch mindless TV whilst she walks to the shops to get me pain killers, I won’t take them, but she needs to help in her own way. My mum returns and holds me in her arms “I just wish you hadn’t had such a tough deal in life” “I just wish something good would happen to us” We cry together at the thought of our lives and how we both still have our dreams inside of us, that still have never transpired.

 

I could have stayed all night but I had to get home for my little family consisting of an 8-year-old Cavalier called Ella and my 19-year-old daughter, Jasmine. I walk home in the dark, the wind and a light rain blows onto my face as I cry into the universe, repeating in my mind “please, please, please let me be ok, please.  This can’t be it! I have so much more to give!” It carries on raining softly into my face as I walk, my head is pounding and spinning. When I get home, nothing seems normal anymore, just nothingness is inside of me!  Before I knew it I was in bed reflecting on the day and feeling the pain of the biopsies, the night becomes restless and my dreams are dark and confusing.