Fall in love with yourself

201211-orig-deepak-chopra9-949x534When I started on my spiritual path 25 years ago, I studied for many years in several holistic therapies and taught meditation and I felt I knew everything. Despite of this knowledge and understanding I realise now I hadn’t fully awakened to the things I was teaching, my spiritual life and my everyday life were separate and I couldn’t figure out how to connect the two of them. My relationships never worked and I attracted abusive alcoholics and I couldn’t understand why. I spent 7 years away from men and concentrated on teaching and my spiritual life but as soon as a man came back into my life they would pull me away from my truth. In the end I gave up and went back to trying to fit in and I started drinking and smoking more and more, my relationship with an alcoholic had broken me and the constant emotional turmoil was putting a strain on me.

Then the dreaded diagnosis came 2 years ago. I cannot even begin to explain the emotions, the fear and the immense anxiety and depression a cancer diagnosis puts on a person. On the day I was diagnosed I gave up smoking, drinking, and sugar and became a vegan. I immediately went back into my true self with good nutrition and daily meditation. The journey I have been on has been truly enlightening. Finally I awakened to LOVE true immeasurable love, the true love of my life! That love came from me to myself and I discovered that love is not only personal it’s transpersonal. Love allows you to be who you are with no judgement. The judgement is what had stopped me from truly awakening, my own judgement of myself, my own inner voice of criticism and also the judgement of God, how I perceived God/the universe had an enormous effect on my consciousness.

I actually found my core wound and went deep within it and found that I hated myself. When I worked with a Qigong master I learnt the healing breath and breathed slowly into my tan tien, he called this central energy force “home” bringing my energy back into me, back home. I was fully aware of how I constantly escaped from myself, escaped from feelings by either comfort food, television, social media. All of this was an escape route away from me, instead of having all my energy in my head on worries and fear I started to put my energy back into my body. Then I sent love to all my organs. Deep breaths moved my rib cage back and forth and as I breathed slowly and deeply it felt like my inner organs were being massaged by this gentle rocking of the rib cage. I sent love to every part of my body and I realised I had been sending the energy of hate to my sexual organs because of the abuse I had learned to hate myself and think parts of my body were ugly.

Every cell in our body has a consciousness and listens to our thoughts, we are the God of our own bodies and when we have negative feelings towards ourselves, our bodies react and disease can start to take place. When we are over run with stress and negative emotions our bodies respond and go into full alert. Peace and love brings balance to our bodies, researchers are now finding different chemicals that are activated when we feel love or connected to ourselves, others and the world, these chemicals have a healing effect on our body. Our emotions and state of mind are vital for our health and wellbeing.

Take a moment every day to slow your breath and send love to all of your organs and every part of your body, this will really transform your life and will awaken you to love. There is also a transpersonal love that most of us call God/ the universe or life itself, I’ve felt this transpersonal love and when you truly open up to this you rest in Grace. I never knew what Grace meant until I felt the transpersonal love that is all around us and within us. Everyone is connected to this love and can experience it. All you have to do is slow your breath and feel love all around you, people will feel this in different ways. A lot of people feel it as a loved one who has passed, this is because everyone and everything is part of an eternal loving presence, and so your loved ones are part of you and will be with you for eternity. All spirit/God/the universe wants is for you to open up to this love and you can do this at any time, just quiet your mind and allow the energy to touch you.

Fall in love with yourself; feel loving energy around you and you will be able to lean back into the flow of Grace which will lead you to purpose and connection to yourself, others and the world.

Fall in love with your uniqueness that makes you you.



images (4)

Hope is the white feather that falls in front of your eyes

Hope is the truth amongst a thousand lies

Hope is the sun peeping out from the clouds

Hope is the one who stands out from the crowds

Hope is the sunlight on a rainy day

Hope are the words of love when theres nothing more to say

Hope is the dream that enlightens the depression

Hope is the broken heart that still loves without question

Hope is standing up when you were told you would fall

Hope is the survivor who has been through it all

Hope is the broken wing that can now fly high

Hope is knowing that this isn’t the last goodbye



Love You



I have been an alternative therapist for 25 years, teacher for 15 and a writer of self-development books for maybe 7 years. I know how important health and wellbeing is and for a while I was healthy, happy and successful. Until I met a man! It was evident that whenever I met a man my whole world would go upside down and I would lose myself.

For some reason, I picked the abusers and the addicts and my integrity and self-worth would always shrink into a tiny being that was unrecognisable. I always forgot who I was and I was never true to myself. After I left my recent abusive relationship 3 years ago, I had a lot of inner work to do! I had spent 7 years with a man who had put me down and his only goal in life was to drink as much as he could daily. I went from being a successful teacher to working part time in a pub. How could I have undervalued myself so much? I hated myself! I hated that my daughter was witness to this abuse and lived through it and because of this I felt immense guilt and deeply depressed. The only person to blame was me! I should not have allowed this man into our lives and I should of valued me and my daughters life more! For the years that followed I would cry every night full of guilt and self hatred. This was not healthy! Not only had I let a person put me down I was now hating myself and my body.

It took cancer to finally heal the wounds of self -hatred. My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in August 2015 and I did everything I could to research natural cancer cures for my mum. It turned out her tumour was only 1cm and surgery and radiation saw the end of it. Half way through my mum’s radiation treatment on the 16th December 2015 I too got diagnosed with breast cancer which wasn’t the same as my mums. My tumour was 5cm and I had tumours in the armpit, chemotherapy was my only option. I stepped away from traditional medicine for 6 months. During this time, I did a lot of self -healing, I took a year out to heal me and love me! and I had to really face my fears and negativity and really forgive myself and heal the guilt I held within my heart. For the first 6 months of 2016 self hatred and fear overwhelmed me. I thought I was being punished for my bad decisions in life and every night I thought I was going to die. I stayed strong for my daughter who spent most of her time with friends, she totally distanced herself from me when I got diagnosed. We all deal with shocks and fear differently and her way to cope was to distance herself.

So, over time I sank into a routine of daily meditation and mindfulness, positive affirmations and a healthy lifestyle. I learnt that meditation and affirmations kept me positive and lifted me away from the fear. Despite of this it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that I really started to love me!

On August 31st 2016 I was told my cancer had spread to the lymph and bone and was now terminal. I was now going to have injections every 3 weeks and a bone infusion and take a chemotherapy tablet called Tamoxifen. From that day, I made sure I had two or three healings a week. I would Reiki my food, my bed and house whenever possible. I would go for long walks on the beach and breathe loving energy into my body. I used the emotional freedom technique to free myself of old patterning and beliefs.

The true meaning of loving you, is honouring your body. This is the most important thing in the world. Without your body, you wouldn’t be here in the physical. We can totally transform our lives for the better by listening to our inner universe, Ive totally transformed my life by doing this. Our bodies are a miracle. When the ego mind takes over us it often tells you to do 20 or 30 things in the day and you will hear an inner voice of “got to do”. In fact, your mind sets you up for a fall every time because it can overload you with things to do and then you feel frustrated when you haven’t achieved the impossible task. Your body likes to rest, it likes to be pampered, it likes healthy food, it likes fresh air and it likes to be loved. Surprisingly it’s the opposite of what your mind is saying especially when addictions are involved. I often ended up in a pub instead of writing when my ego mind was at its strongest.

So, daily I slow my breath right down, by doing this I nourish my organs. I love my body more than I ever have done, I am in awe of its miraculous beauty. It works so efficiently without any input from me or my mind and it works for my best interest and keeps me alive! I now talk to my body and say “wise body I love you” and it feels good, it’s like my body responds with an inner hug, I can feel a warmth inside when my body responds to my love.

 I watched a wonderful video where the breath creates a movement within the body, I watched as the rib cage moved and rocked the liver gently back and forth like a gentle massage. Breath work is like an inner massage of all your organs, muscles and bones. Then as you breathe you send love to each organ. This really is the first step in healing yourself and connecting back to your body. I’m going to start teaching this to cancer patients because the method I have learned is so powerful and effective.  I want to help others through this fearful journey and really help them to experience loving themselves against all odds. How many times do we criticise our bodies or ignore and abuse it? Love you!

Thich nhat hanh (a Buddhist monk) talks about mindfulness within the body, he says we are like a tree, the trunk is our body and the branches are our mind. When there is a storm (depression) we need to bring our energies to our trunk of the tree and not the branches. He talks about bringing our energies to our tan tien which is a place of great energy in the centre of our being. It’s a place of warmth and really connecting back to you.

So now my body comes first! If my body is not up to it, I’m not doing it! Now I love every part of my body. I love me for all my flaws and I can see the beauty in each one of them! and by doing so I can also see the immense beauty in others, with acceptance and love and no judgement.

Love You!

Love yourself, you have the miraculous gift of life within you! You are a miracle!

Say to every part of your body “I love you” and see what happens 😉

Love You!




Releasing Emotions & Uplifting the Mind


Wednesday morning I was getting ready to meet my friend Sarah to talk about setting up a charity called Cancer Support. The postman was early today and I heard the letters fall to the floor. I checked the mail and I saw that one of them was from the hospital it contained my tumour marker results. As I opened the letter I went into shock and panic, my tumour markers had risen dramatically to a high level, I started to have a panic attack and hyperventilate. This could mean that my cancer had now spread to stage 4. I cancelled my friend and just sat and cried as I repeated “oh my God!”

I managed to calm down and decided to wait until the next day when I had an appointment with my oncologist and my cat scan results would show exactly what was going on. My friend Hazel who has supported me through this whole journey came with me. I sat in the chair waiting for the results, I was hoping for the best, but unfortunately he confirmed what the tumour markers had shown, I now had stage 4 cancer that had spread to the bone and lymph. A memory of a conversation I had with a friend echoed in my mind, she told me her mum had breast cancer and then said “once it had spread to the lymph that was it” My mind was now overloaded with panic and dark thoughts!

I spent two weeks in deep depression and I know all the self help gurus say to keep positive but the fear, the pain and the depression is immense and it needs to be released. Shouting and crying is what I did for 2 weeks. Finally I slowly  lifted myself out of it and started to look forward with more positivity. I was now going to receive regular hospital treatments every 3 weeks. I also decided to re-train and take charge of my mind with regular meditation, positive affirmations and mantras. I had seen a documentary on a man who was in an aeroplane accident and he had over-heard the doctors telling his family that  he would be paralysed from the neck down for the rest of his life, he couldn’t even swallow. This man thought “I still have my mind, and if I have my mind I can beat this.” So every minute of every day he concentrated on re-building himself. One year later he walked out of the hospital and was totally cured. His name is Morris E Goodman.

With the knowledge that people can heal through the power of thought alone has influenced me to try whatever I can. Firstly using the power of the mind and then communicating with my body by connecting to my cells consciousness. I am eating organic fresh food, receiving medical treatment and also raising money to receive immunotherapy. Oh yes! and balancing my chakras and hara line and working on an energetic level too!  I will be fighting this cancer on every level possible. Im living it and breathing it every day!

I have found a mind programming protocol that fits into my life; which consists of an I am mantra for 30 minutes in the morning and at night,  followed by a meditation. This I can do regularly.

I set myself a task of walking along the beach for an hour every day but it seems to only happen once a week at the moment so Im really trying to fit this into my life no matter what, fresh oxygen going into the body and the power of the breath is also very healing. I also created a vision board, I have done this for years and found that it works 50% of the time, so Im focusing on good health and also using a Buddhist mantra that welcomes blessings into my life.

For 3 days I forgot to do the “ I am” positive affirmations and I felt quite depressed. I have experienced more uplifting emotions and thoughts when I use positive affirmations and meditation on a daily basis.

Core beliefs: As a therapist I always loved finding and healing peoples core beliefs and when I started as a hypnotherapist and past life practitioner I watched many people change their lives through just one session. So Ive worked on core beliefs on myself but never really healed them 100% because Ive been too busy etc. Recently I used the emotional freedom technique and Ive healed 3 core beliefs that may have led to me having cancer! The first was “life is a battle” I believed that life was a struggle and I found I was always fighting with people in some way or another and couldn’t understand why, I was spiritual, I focused on love, so why did people battle with me? Because my core belief was “life is a battle”. This is now healed, it took 2 or 3 sessions of EFT and now I feel totally different about life! I love life and I love the beauty and magic of nature, I almost feel in awe of it! And now I cant even comprehend why or how I had that belief. I always said as a therapist and teacher once you have found your core belief you have healed 50% of it! You have to be true to yourself and let go of the ego to find it.

My second core belief was “I hate myself” and “everybody hates me” I also had this belief that God was judging me and didn’t like me much!?! I am not sure where these beliefs have stemmed from or when they started, Im guessing in childhood. Unfortunately this core belief has effected my life in huge ways! A lot of time was spent in abusive relationships and now I understood why! If I hated myself then my partners would reflect that self hate back to me! A German doctor said many cancers come from extreme emotion or shock, breast cancer can sometimes relate to abusive relationships in a persons life, or a shock within a relationship. This is just a theory but I wonder if people researched peoples emotional lives at the time of cancer diagnosis what would come up?

One positive thing that has come out of this cancer journey is that its helped me eliminated all these beliefs and value myself more in a compassionate way, I no longer have to prove myself or try and change myself to fit in. I can be true to myself and others. Ive used EFT and mirror work to help this healing process.

I can truly say from my heart that I have encountered enormous loving compassion this year. People are helping me and its …. well there are no words to describe peoples generosity and warmth of spirit its heart warming, its humbling, its miraculous!!!! Some people have so much love to give it makes me in awe of them!

So through my deepest fear and my darkest moments I have seen nothing but love and beauty. My perceptions have changed about life, the world, people and most of all of myself! And now Ive learnt to truly love me and give myself time and healing and not feel guilty about it!

So Im writing this message to you! Release emotions, let go of dark thoughts and heal your life and most of all love you  😉 Because you are loved more than you know 😉 AND LIFE IS A GIFT so make the most of it!

The Mind Project

I was diagnosed with cancer on the 16th December 2015 with a 50mm tumour in the breast and a tumour under the arm pit. I decided to go to the alternative route for healing and avoid chemotherapy. I started a vegan diet, taking turmeric every day, apricot seed kernals and keeping my body alkaline. I had watched the truth about cancer and lots of you tube videos and was under the impression cancer was “easy” to cure! Some videos were making suggestions it could be healed in 2 weeks if your diet was alkaline and sugar free! After 6 weeks nothing had changed so these claims are completely untrue, I suppose what works for some doesn’t work for others, but I can confirm on research that no one has cured cancer in 2 weeks! some people have difficulty curing a cold in that length of time! That video and claim that has done the rounds on Facebook really insults people with cancer who have been fighting for years and are trying everything and anything to cure themselves. Chemotherapy also works for some people too. In conclusion, cancer is an individual journey and some people find a “miracle cure” and some don’t. We are all individuals and heal in our own time.

After 4 months my tumour markers went down a little, so I carried on with the vegan diet but let go of a lot of the strict dieting because it was getting me down! I found that with my cancer being oestrogen positive and her2 positive that information was contradicting and I became scared to eat anything!!! My weight had dramatically dropped and I was starting to look unhealthy! I brought wheat back into my diet. Im not sure if this was a good thing as wheat has oestrogen and after a further four months I received the worst news! My tumour markers had shot up dramatically and the cancer was now stage 4 and in my lymph and bones! I decided to take the conventional route and have medical treatment.

So now after two weeks of panic attacks and depression, Im setting a new task. I had dipped in and out of positive affirmations whilst choosing the alternative route so now Im taking it on 100%. Ive set out a protocol for re-training my mind to health and wellbeing whilst letting go and forgiving my past, I am setting my mind on a healthy and happy future. This will work alongside my medical treatment and my organic vegetarian diet with supplements which includes raw garlic, lots of ginger and lemons, iodine, 3,000mg vit C and 3,000 of vit D and turmeric daily. Im staying away from wheat and sugar but I will eat limited organic dairy products, from goats rather than cows. Im going to try and raise money to have mistletoe therapy and vitamin c infusions to power up my immune system, a strong immune system is the key to beating cancer. I also take Astragulus which is a herb that boosts white blood cells.

Today I am starting my mind protocol, scientists say if you continually train your mind daily to do something after 21 days it becomes reality and part of your life, or a habit can be formed.

Mind Works protocol

Every morning I will listen to a healing meditation followed by the “I am” mantra which for me will be “I am perfectly healthy” “I am ultimate health” “I am in remission” “I am healing” etc I will repeat this out loud for 30 minutes every morning. After a fruit smoothie with wheatgrass and spirulina I will do mirror work for 30 minutes again repeating “I am perfectly healthy” “Life loves me” etc. Then more affirmations as I exercise to activate my meridian lines and align my hara line. I will then go for a walking meditation for an hour. This will take up 3 hours of my morning but Im on a mission!!!!

In the day I will use the mantra nam myoho renge ko which is a Buddhist mantra to bring in divine blessings. I will also use TFT techniques.

My nightly mind routine will be; mirror work, kundalini meditation, I am mantra, healing meditation

I will post my daily experiences! Lets see if this mind reprogramming really works! I remember giving a TEDX talk on the power of the mind so now its time to turn theory into reality. I am giving it my all. The Mind project starts here.



If you told me I was cancer free




What if I was told I was cancer free?

If someone told me right now that I was cancer free I would celebrate and be the happiest person in the world. I would set my dreams into motion and live my new life with immense gratitude!

I would thank my cancer for the lessons I have learned. Powerful lessons! And so many of them! My life has changed completely since being diagnosed and if I was cancer free I would carry on my healthy living, being me and going for long walks along the beach. Nothing would change except my inner peace and gratitude for a new lease of life.

I have learnt that being true to yourself and loving and respecting yourself is the most important thing you can do!

The lessons I have lived so far:

1.       Rest and honour every part of me, loving my cells and sending them love and peace daily makes me feel good.

2.       There is an energy full of unconditional love, connecting to this energy is immense!

3.       Everything is a reflection, let go of fear and worry. Our thoughts manifest!

4.       Positive affirmations work! Decluttering the mind is a long process but worth it because it changes your life dramatically.

5.       Forgiving and releasing all my past and bringing joy into my world. Every time I think of a “poor me” moment or regrets from the past I say “I forgive and release all my past, I now fill my world with joy”

6.       Trust my higher self and the universal language of love. Something bigger is at work, it works through us all!

7.       Be true to who I am. We are all unique and Ive found who I am and Im honouring me from this moment on. No more trying to fit in!

8.       Food is medicine.

I have learnt such powerful lessons, I will never loose myself again!

Food for thought

9th March

It has now been two weeks since the localised chemo and it totally knocked me out.I felt sick for the first couple of days and then for the next two weeks I laid on my couch with no energy at all, I couldn’t even walk my dog, just taking her round the block left me breathless. My energy levels were really low and today is the first day I’m starting to feel normal again and I have an appetite for lots of food. A steaming hot curry is on the pan cooked with all fresh ingredients, garlic, ginger, turmeric, cumin, tomatoes, onions, red chilli peppers and peppers with organic chicken and brown rice. The smell of the spices and the thought of the goodness that’s within this food makes my mouth water and I sit down and watch a film whilst enjoying my immune boosting curry. It’s raining outside and I feel warm and comforted. This only lasts a moment as I have to pack my case again and go to Devon. I pack slowly and calmly and start to think of my plans for the future, it’s getting quite scary now, what do I do to heal? I try and focus just on the next 30 days, I will concentrate on boosting my immune system and then I will see what happens in April, I haven’t got enough money to go back to professor Vogl at the moment. I start to think how I can make some more money, I need to have one more treatment with Dr Vogl, mistletoe injections and vitamin c injections to really boost my immune system and its vital to have a blood test with Dr Sharma to see what will heal my cancer. Total £8,000 all I can do is try and raise the money. If I don’t… then what? I start imagining the worst outcome, I try and focus on my mission and erase any negativity swimming around in my mind, I can’t let fear overwhelm me. I’m focusing on healing and being perfectly healthy. I visualise this and start saying positive affirmations. In the evening I relax and drink lots of green tea, when I go to bed I listen to hypnotherapy recordings. I have to train my brain and my subconscious that I will become better no matter what.

The next morning, I get ready to leave, my train leaves at 12.17pm. I have to leave my little dog again, this makes me sad, she looks up at me with sad little eyes. I give her loads of kisses before I go. Jasmine went to work early and didn’t even say bye, this saddens me.

On the train I think of the journey I have been through and where I am now, I feel like I haven’t got anywhere fast, with only one treatment under my belt and wasting my money on the Hufeland Klinik which could have been spent on something better ….. I have no money coming in and this concerns me. At the same time, I know I’m being helped and I have to trust! I know I’m being looked after by something larger than my mortal self, something divine and loving.

What I have learnt so far about cancer treatments is;

Chemo: Chemo works for some and not for others. Those that it does work for get extremely ill and it totally depletes the immune system and kills healthy cells. With Dr Vogls work he only treats the cancerous cells and leaves healthy cells intact, the treatments are also 5 times more effective so less treatments are needed. I have met and spoke to many people who underwent chemo and their cancer came back a few years later. An oncologist report has said that chemotherapy is 30% effective. So if it works for 30% of people, what about the other 70%? And having death as a side effect, how can it even be regarded as a successful treatment?

Hyperthermia and localised hyperthermia: This treatment is supposed to be very good it heats cancer tumours to forty degrees and cancer cannot survive in these conditions. Hyperthermia can not be found in the UK so Germany is the only option to receive this treatment.

Mistletoe Injections: I have seen lots of videos and news articles that have said mistletoe injections have cured them and it works exceptionally well alongside chemotherapy by reducing the harsh side effects. Mistletoe boosts the immune system to a high level. Susan Sommers who is an American actress swears by them. So I must give them a try. I have contacted a few clinics in London but consultation plus injections are costly.

Vitamin C injections – This boosts the immune system to a high level and helps fight cancer cells. Again they are available in London but costly (around £150 each)

Gcmaf – I have to research this more, it has been recommended to me by a couple of people and I will write more about it once I have thoroughly researched each treatment.

CBD oil – Cannabis oil alone has not cured anybody that I know of but some people have gone through a gruelling protocol of using the oil and suppositories that have been carefully calculated for their height and body weight and it costs thousands of pounds to do it properly. I spoke to one girl in America who has lung cancer and she said it’s a long process, she said the side effects are fatigue and nausea BUT her tumour has shrunk by half in 4 months and her tumour markers have reduced considerably. Some people have the idea that smoking cannabis has the same effect. It doesn’t! I also know of three other people who tried this healing method alongside chemotherapy and unfortunately died. So there has been a lot of hype over cbd and it does help to calm you down and its very good for anxiety, fear and stress which are all part of the cancer journey. So I recommend the oil to help with these ailments. If you are truly dedicated to the suppositories and months of treatment, I know that people are curing themselves through this process so it might be worthwhile. I would like to research this method more.

Diet: It’s taken a while through trial and error to really find the food that suits me. Food that boosts the immune system and detoxes the body. I’ve still got to master the perfect green smoothie! But apart from that I always eat organic food. I eat loads of fruit and vegetables, broccoli every day for the indole 3 carbinol which has anti-cancernogenic effects and also lowers oestrogen levels. I have green powder that includes chlorella, wheatgrass and spirulina and I drink lots of lemon water and green tea. I now take supplements as recommended by the doctor of: Astragulus, Magnesium, I try to have 1,000mg of vitamin c every day, I was advised a very high dosage of vitamin D, selenium, I take hemp oil and flax oil for vitamin E and omega 3 and omega 6. Plus, an antioxidant blend. All these are from the company Viridian or Pukka as all of their products contain no sugar or preservatives or toxic chemicals that the cheap vitamin tablets contain. So I am very strict with my diet but I do still go out with friends and have a coffee and treat myself to soup, a wrap or chips whilst I’m out. I feel a lot better within myself by changing my diet and of course I have NO sugar at all! I don’t eat bread or cereal because they have huge amounts of sugar in them. It’s been a total life style change. I wish I had done it earlier to prevent this cancer from happening in the first place.

So as I think of my future plans to heal, I finally arrive in Devon. This place turns out to be the most healing experience I’ve encountered so far.




A Quest for the truth

2016-transformationA Quest for the truth

We must all be prepared for ripples of transformation, nothing ever stays the same. When we feel broken and all is lost, we can rise up from the ashes and go on a quest for the truth. This maybe internally or externally but if we are open to answers we will find them. We will find them in unexpected places and when we take notice of everything around us, the people we meet, the songs we hear and most of all nature, we then start to see the bigger picture. So what is the quest for the truth? It’s a magnificent journey of self-discovery, its changing the way we perceive the world. Our observations and interpretations of the world right now are just a filtered lens based on our personal beliefs. When something rocks our world either positively or negatively it enables us to see beyond our own limitations and beliefs, which then facilitates us to open up to new and different possibilities. Our paths are forever changing and intertwining, weaving in and out of other people’s paths, creating a life journey that is unique to us. Change and transformation is inevitable; change will lead us to our greatest truth or a more open heart, the greatest lesson is to not fear it. Each experience creates our life. Every minute we are creating, every thought and emotion will have a cause and effect. Through the waves of thought and emotion we create life here on earth and life that can only go on by encountering change and transformation.

What I’ve always known and am experiencing to the maximum right at this moment is that your inner world reflects in your outer world. There will be no more blame, guilt or self-sabotage, things have happened and now it’s time to heal the wounds and move forward with love and grace. Healing is a journey of self-discovery that leads you to the truth. It’s the key to transforming your life. Cancer is a horrible life threatening disease but its helped me open my eyes to the true meaning of life and open my heart to the greatest gratitude of life. Seeing and sensing the beauty of the very essence and magic of life within every living thing.

The Journey Home

So here I sit on the aeroplane, Germany is now behind me and I look forward to going home to England. It’s a beautiful sunny day, the hottest day I’ve experienced here in Frankfurt. I will be glad to leave this place, I’ve been stuck in a hotel room for 3 days looking out at high rise buildings and feeling unsafe. The aeroplane is taking off, I write and the sun is glaring into my window, I feel a newness and freshness. Maybe today is the start of something new, I look in front of me at the airline symbol, it looks a lot like a phoenix. I spend the whole journey thinking about my future.

On the flight I think about my life and how I can make changes to start living my bliss. I still have dreams inside of me that I have to pursue and now I feel a sense of urgency to start creating the life I want to live, so the big question is how? I begin to ask myself questions and analyse where my life is headed. I’ve also worked out in the last 20 years that meditation, mindfulness and opening up to something bigger than my ego works well when making big decisions in life. Unfortunately, when I look back over my life-time this knowledge has not been used or understood fully. I had let my emotions rule every part of me, and I had put too much energy into saving bad relationships instead of focusing on my life and creating what I really wanted. So first my conscious mind puts everything into place and then later I will meditate, empty my mind and hand over my questions and desires to the universe, God or my higher self. I personally have discovered that there is something more, something miraculous and magical, there is a higher force of energy that is filled with love. Whether this is God, a spiritual guide, nature, the universe or something within yourself we will never 100% know. Every person I know who has faced cancer within themselves or loved ones have all prayed whether they are religious or not. Our souls know there is something more it’s only the ego that denies this presence and through this journey I have connected to myself and something greater.

I start thinking about home, my friends, my family and the place where I live. First of all, I need to make the most of the beautiful beach that is only a five-minute walk from my home. Daily I will appreciate its beauty, which will also help to bring clarity to my thoughts as well as infuse my body with negative ions and fresh air. I am suddenly so grateful for everything I have, it was only a few months ago I was saying how rubbish my life was!?! My life is awesome! I think most people don’t appreciate what they have, life is hard sometimes, especially when you have money worries. These worries can over take you, they certainly did with me and at some extent still do. Once a week I will dedicate time to sorting financial problems out, but the other 6 days will be about appreciating life and creating my bliss!

I live with my daughter and dog; my daughter is a typical teenager who never talks to me and is never at home. I used to blame myself for these teenage years of avoidance and non-communication I had so much guilt, regret and sadness and always beat myself up for not being perfect and making some wrong choices. I didn’t think about the wonderful, good life we had and all the joy and laughter we experienced. I have now healed that inner conflict that I had in my heart through EFT, hypnosis and healing. It’s also interesting that a German doctor associated a lot of cancer problems to emotional shock or trauma. He was certainly right about breast cancer, saying it was connected to stressful, painful relationships. Every breast cancer patient I’ve spoken to has been in an abusive relationship of some sort. Personally I work with the chakra system and the 7 levels of consciousness. The breast is the heart chakra! Its lesson is one of love and self-love. Self-love means to nurture and pamper the body, it means bringing peace and calm to the cells and dedicating time to yourself, many mums don’t do this. My inner self, my energy and my cells and atoms will be loved and nurtured daily, and through this journey I hope and pray I can help others to heal too. I feel this is my purpose and my souls quest.

I think about re-uniting with my little family in Gorleston consisting of my mum, my daughter, and of course my little Cavalier Ella. My daughter just wants to be with her friends, I’m assuming she’s finding this hard and feels upset and the only way she can cope is by not being with me. I love her dearly but it’s a hard journey for us both and all I can do is accept her own personal experience through all of this and keep guiding and helping her as best I can. Me and my mum don’t really get on, she is very conventional and sometimes harsh with her words but of course we love each other immensely. We seem to be getting on better since we both encountered cancer within months of each other. When my mum was diagnosed in the August all I could do was pray, send healing and spend every hour of every day searching for a cure. As it turned out the tumour was only 1cm and surgery and radiation saw the end of it hopefully. I was diagnosed half way through her radiation treatment, it’s been a lot for us Carter girls to handle these last few months and we seem to have separated and we are all handling it in our own unique way. My mum would probably wrap me up in a blanket and feed me all day if she had her way, but unfortunately and realistically that’s not going to happen!

Social media has been a Godsend and friends have been my saviour especially Maria, Hazel, Ali and Phil. Friends have also sent me healing, prayers and contributions to my cancer treatment. I have experienced so much love, in fact it’s the most humbling heart-warming experience, to truly know so many people love and care about me is flabbergasting. Facebook has helped me keep in touch with the outside world and talk to people and make new friends and the new friends I have made are such an inspiration! Meeting people who have experienced cancer and talking to them about their personal feelings and experiences has helped me so much. My video diary has also had an impact with people friending me who are going through the same. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m still learning, but if I can help people from my own research and discoveries, then all of this will not be in vein.

Recently a post on Facebook intrigued me and made me think. A friend of mine said she wanted to know her purpose and within minutes of asking this, she received a message with words saying to follow your bliss. I think about this! I have a great desire to change my life! I remember my first thoughts when I was diagnosed …. “I still have my dream within me”. I haven’t moved forward in life, I observed as I looked back over my existence how I had got lost and caught up in negative relationships and how I had moved forward slowly ever so slowly to start manifesting my dreams. But now I need to ACT and really follow my bliss.

So I start to think of my purpose and dreams, my first question to myself is what would I love to do? And for a moment I forget about the cancer and I just focus on my bliss, my mission, my quest. What makes me happy? What brings me joy? How can I help others? All too often people work for money, people work from fear and that’s not going to happen anymore with me. I’m focusing on love and joy and not fear.

I would love to …..

As the aeroplane lands tears fall down my cheeks, I’m so relieved to be home. My friend Ali meets me at Heathrow Airport with her husband, I now have a long journey home, I try and talk about my dreams and vision but I feel mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I will have to rest and recuperate before I start my mission, my wellbeing will always be first, I’ve learnt that lesson!  

My favourite saying by Emerson is “Where your attention goes, energy flows” So my attention is going on loving me and creating something wonderful. My journey home, quite literally took me home to my true self and what I truly want in life.