The Journey Home

So here I sit on the aeroplane, Germany is now behind me and I look forward to going home to England. It’s a beautiful sunny day, the hottest day I’ve experienced here in Frankfurt. I will be glad to leave this place, I’ve been stuck in a hotel room for 3 days looking out at high rise buildings and feeling unsafe. The aeroplane is taking off, I write and the sun is glaring into my window, I feel a newness and freshness. Maybe today is the start of something new, I look in front of me at the airline symbol, it looks a lot like a phoenix. I spend the whole journey thinking about my future.

On the flight I think about my life and how I can make changes to start living my bliss. I still have dreams inside of me that I have to pursue and now I feel a sense of urgency to start creating the life I want to live, so the big question is how? I begin to ask myself questions and analyse where my life is headed. I’ve also worked out in the last 20 years that meditation, mindfulness and opening up to something bigger than my ego works well when making big decisions in life. Unfortunately, when I look back over my life-time this knowledge has not been used or understood fully. I had let my emotions rule every part of me, and I had put too much energy into saving bad relationships instead of focusing on my life and creating what I really wanted. So first my conscious mind puts everything into place and then later I will meditate, empty my mind and hand over my questions and desires to the universe, God or my higher self. I personally have discovered that there is something more, something miraculous and magical, there is a higher force of energy that is filled with love. Whether this is God, a spiritual guide, nature, the universe or something within yourself we will never 100% know. Every person I know who has faced cancer within themselves or loved ones have all prayed whether they are religious or not. Our souls know there is something more it’s only the ego that denies this presence and through this journey I have connected to myself and something greater.

I start thinking about home, my friends, my family and the place where I live. First of all, I need to make the most of the beautiful beach that is only a five-minute walk from my home. Daily I will appreciate its beauty, which will also help to bring clarity to my thoughts as well as infuse my body with negative ions and fresh air. I am suddenly so grateful for everything I have, it was only a few months ago I was saying how rubbish my life was!?! My life is awesome! I think most people don’t appreciate what they have, life is hard sometimes, especially when you have money worries. These worries can over take you, they certainly did with me and at some extent still do. Once a week I will dedicate time to sorting financial problems out, but the other 6 days will be about appreciating life and creating my bliss!

I live with my daughter and dog; my daughter is a typical teenager who never talks to me and is never at home. I used to blame myself for these teenage years of avoidance and non-communication I had so much guilt, regret and sadness and always beat myself up for not being perfect and making some wrong choices. I didn’t think about the wonderful, good life we had and all the joy and laughter we experienced. I have now healed that inner conflict that I had in my heart through EFT, hypnosis and healing. It’s also interesting that a German doctor associated a lot of cancer problems to emotional shock or trauma. He was certainly right about breast cancer, saying it was connected to stressful, painful relationships. Every breast cancer patient I’ve spoken to has been in an abusive relationship of some sort. Personally I work with the chakra system and the 7 levels of consciousness. The breast is the heart chakra! Its lesson is one of love and self-love. Self-love means to nurture and pamper the body, it means bringing peace and calm to the cells and dedicating time to yourself, many mums don’t do this. My inner self, my energy and my cells and atoms will be loved and nurtured daily, and through this journey I hope and pray I can help others to heal too. I feel this is my purpose and my souls quest.

I think about re-uniting with my little family in Gorleston consisting of my mum, my daughter, and of course my little Cavalier Ella. My daughter just wants to be with her friends, I’m assuming she’s finding this hard and feels upset and the only way she can cope is by not being with me. I love her dearly but it’s a hard journey for us both and all I can do is accept her own personal experience through all of this and keep guiding and helping her as best I can. Me and my mum don’t really get on, she is very conventional and sometimes harsh with her words but of course we love each other immensely. We seem to be getting on better since we both encountered cancer within months of each other. When my mum was diagnosed in the August all I could do was pray, send healing and spend every hour of every day searching for a cure. As it turned out the tumour was only 1cm and surgery and radiation saw the end of it hopefully. I was diagnosed half way through her radiation treatment, it’s been a lot for us Carter girls to handle these last few months and we seem to have separated and we are all handling it in our own unique way. My mum would probably wrap me up in a blanket and feed me all day if she had her way, but unfortunately and realistically that’s not going to happen!

Social media has been a Godsend and friends have been my saviour especially Maria, Hazel, Ali and Phil. Friends have also sent me healing, prayers and contributions to my cancer treatment. I have experienced so much love, in fact it’s the most humbling heart-warming experience, to truly know so many people love and care about me is flabbergasting. Facebook has helped me keep in touch with the outside world and talk to people and make new friends and the new friends I have made are such an inspiration! Meeting people who have experienced cancer and talking to them about their personal feelings and experiences has helped me so much. My video diary has also had an impact with people friending me who are going through the same. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m still learning, but if I can help people from my own research and discoveries, then all of this will not be in vein.

Recently a post on Facebook intrigued me and made me think. A friend of mine said she wanted to know her purpose and within minutes of asking this, she received a message with words saying to follow your bliss. I think about this! I have a great desire to change my life! I remember my first thoughts when I was diagnosed …. “I still have my dream within me”. I haven’t moved forward in life, I observed as I looked back over my existence how I had got lost and caught up in negative relationships and how I had moved forward slowly ever so slowly to start manifesting my dreams. But now I need to ACT and really follow my bliss.

So I start to think of my purpose and dreams, my first question to myself is what would I love to do? And for a moment I forget about the cancer and I just focus on my bliss, my mission, my quest. What makes me happy? What brings me joy? How can I help others? All too often people work for money, people work from fear and that’s not going to happen anymore with me. I’m focusing on love and joy and not fear.

I would love to …..

As the aeroplane lands tears fall down my cheeks, I’m so relieved to be home. My friend Ali meets me at Heathrow Airport with her husband, I now have a long journey home, I try and talk about my dreams and vision but I feel mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I will have to rest and recuperate before I start my mission, my wellbeing will always be first, I’ve learnt that lesson!  

My favourite saying by Emerson is “Where your attention goes, energy flows” So my attention is going on loving me and creating something wonderful. My journey home, quite literally took me home to my true self and what I truly want in life.

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