Today was the beginning and the end. I didn’t know what this day would bring, but I was scared at the prospect of bad news. Bad luck seemed to have possessed me throughout the later part of my life, with an abusive relationship pulling all happiness right from under my feet! Two years ago I started my life again from scratch, I thought things were changing for the better as I started to change my mind set. I started manifesting wonderful things and I understood the language of the universe and the subconscious mind! I had my own radio show, I conducted a TEDX talk and I was on the path to living my dreams! But today, today was the beginning and the end!
My heart was pounding so fast I had to gasp for air, tears were uncontrollably running down my face. I felt like a fool! I was just sitting in the waiting room with my mum but I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. It was only 4 months ago when my mum had been through the same thing and I can remember holding her in my arms as she was shaking and crying. Holding your own mother in your arms somehow weakens the soul, my mum! Once so big and powerful in my eyes, now trembling like a frightened little girl. I comfort her and stay as strong as I can. Now it’s my turn, or not, only time will tell. Time is slower than I’ve ever experienced and every time I look at the clock the second hand moves in slow motion. As we sit waiting for my name to be called my mum tries to distract me by joking and talking about the colour of the walls!?! I know I’m over reacting so I try and calm myself down by taking deep breaths.
My name is called and a breast surgeon examines the lump that I’ve tried to ignore for most of the year, it’s an embarrassing situation, but after the examination she tells me that I need to have more tests. I put a hospital robe on and we are taken to another part of the ward to sit and wait again. I recall when this happened to my mum, they took 3 biopsies from her breast, she wasn’t expecting it and it frightened and shocked her, she then returned a few days later and was told she had breast cancer. This shook me and my daughter’s world, I looked up in the sky and shouted “Why?” and then begged God to heal her every day. Now she is sitting with me waiting again for the inevitable news.
I’m taken into a room to have a mammogram, I swore 4 months earlier this is something I would NEVER do, yet here I am with no choice. I take deep breaths and every time its squeezed painfully tight by the machine, I just hold my breath and count to 10. This seems to work well with my psyche, I start to relax and tell myself everything’s going to be ok. I return to my mum in a much lighter mood and we joke with the nurses.
The nurse returns with a concerned look on her face “We have to do more tests” She was very reassuring as I walked back into the mammogram room. This time it was very uncomfortable and counting to 10 didn’t work, it was extremely painful. I asked to see the mammogram and she showed me two areas that they were concerned about. Next was the ultra sound and then the doctor took 3 biopsies of the breast, blood dripped on the bed, it’s a horrible procedure and I can understand why it upset my mum. We had been in the hospital for over 3 hours I was exhausted and numb. I looked at the nurse in hope “what do you think the results will be?” she proceeded to tell me “it doesn’t look benign.” I walked down the corridor as my mum chatted away trying to lift my spirits. I was just dazed and emotionless …. What if this is it? What if this is the end? My life had just been one emotional turmoil after another, one failed relationship after another. I’d always clung to hope, hope that I would find the love of my life, optimism and anticipation that I would achieve my dreams! Now hope and optimism was drifting away fast.
I sit round my mums just watching television, I have a warm cup of earl grey, I watch mindless TV whilst she walks to the shops to get me pain killers, I won’t take them, but she needs to help in her own way. My mum returns and holds me in her arms “I just wish you hadn’t had such a tough deal in life” “I just wish something good would happen to us” We cry together at the thought of our lives and how we both still have our dreams inside of us, that still have never transpired.
I could have stayed all night but I had to get home for my little family consisting of an 8-year-old Cavalier called Ella and my 19-year-old daughter, Jasmine. I walk home in the dark, the wind and a light rain blows onto my face as I cry into the universe, repeating in my mind “please, please, please let me be ok, please. This can’t be it! I have so much more to give!” It carries on raining softly into my face as I walk, my head is pounding and spinning. When I get home, nothing seems normal anymore, just nothingness is inside of me! Before I knew it I was in bed reflecting on the day and feeling the pain of the biopsies, the night becomes restless and my dreams are dark and confusing.