The Results

16th December 2015

 

The Results

 

“The purple rose” is the name of my friend’s company, she conducts bespoke funerals of a non-religious nature and she puts her heart and soul into her work. Hazel is known as the purple rose, she certainly fits the part with her purple hair and big heart. We have been friends for around 7 years, we met when I taught a crystal workshop. At that time, it was her dream to set up a company that helped the dying and bereaved, she laughed as she said I would love to give funeral services. Now she is living her truth and doing all three. We appear in each other’s lives when we need help or lose direction. We are like each other’s guardian angel offering a hug and a hot cuppa and a listening ear. Hazel and I have talked a lot over the last two days to help me focus on a positive result and a plan for my future.

 

The day has come for my results, I feel positive but I need someone with me just in case it is bad news, so my friend of 14 years Ali drives me to the hospital. I know the Broadland suite like the back of my hand now after all the visits with my mum. My mum and Haz told me that if the breast cancer nurse is in the room you know it’s going to be bad news. I take a deep breath and play the waiting game again as my mind hopes for a positive result and my heart prepares for the worst.

 

I sit and wait with Ali, I always call her Boudicca because she has always been so strong for me and picked me up when I have been at my weakest. She has a dynamic energy, shes intelligent and interesting and more than that a wonderful, strong friend. Just lately I can see a more vulnerable side to her, I don’t know if it’s just me, maybe I’m starting to see a different side to people, a softer more childlike side that’s exposed and defenceless. I look at her differently now, she seems more human with her own weaknesses. She reminds me a little of my mum, a strong character but you can see vulnerability in their eyes. We sit in the waiting room, I’m keeping an eye on the breast nurse, Ali laughs at me as I look like a Meer cat sitting in the corner of the room.

 

My name is called; I walk into the room. My face and heart drops, the same breast care nurse that my mum had is sitting there next to the consultant. I cannot tell you the exact words that were said, all I heard was that I had cancer, I had an 18 mm tumour, plus another area that needed further investigation. That moment is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotion, Ali holds my hand as tears become uncontrollable running down my cheeks, I want to stop, I want to listen to what she is saying. My brain goes into yin and yang states, firstly I’m thinking how I can fix this then I go to shock, ME!?! Cancer?!? How the hell am I going to deal with this? The consultant talks in a matter of fact tone, this is just a normal day to her. I start thinking about all the research I did for my mum when she was diagnosed just months earlier! People have cured themselves with a high alkaline diet and no sugar, that’s what I will do! Tears are still falling uncontrollably whilst my thoughts are running wild. The nurse takes me into another room. Again I can’t remember what is said but I remember mentioning Latvia and Virotherapy, the nurse looked confused at my comments so I just remained quiet whilst holding onto a crumpled bit of tissue and dabbing my eyes.

 

I walked along the hospital corridor with Boudicca, it was just 3 days ago I was walking down the same corridor with my mum feeling numb, now my worst fears have materialised, my head is searching for answers, Ali is asking what I want to do, “I don’t know” I answer truthfully. What am I going to do next? What am I going to do? How am I going to tell my daughter? My heads full of hundreds of questions and I can’t find an answer for any of them. We walk into to the hospital café, I’m wondering around the small area dazed, I’ve temporarily forgotten how to make a coffee, so Ali takes over. From this moment on, no sugar and an alkaline diet I say out loud. When we sit down I talk about all the different treatments available around the world and I’m automatically trying to fix the situation as my head is swimming around looking for some kind of solution to all this. We talk about my daughter Jasmine, planning the best way to tell her the news.  I’m absorbed with questions and shock, my mind is like a roundabout and my repeated question is “how am I going to tell my daughter?”

 

Ali takes me shopping and I buy organic food and smoothies. As soon as she drops me off I throw my bags indoors and go straight to my purple haired friend at the end of the road for a hug. Hazel gives good hugs and a nice mug of tea to warm the soul. Jasmine is working late tonight and I’m dreading the moment I see her. Hazel hugs me and we sit and talk for hours, she understands that Im alone in all this and offers herself, home and family as a constant support for me! I feel humbled at knowing such a person. Our conversations are broken with a text from Jaz. It’s time to go home and face my beautiful daughter. She is a teenager with an attitude and I miss my little girl dearly, I know one day my daughter and I will be close again but unfortunately I’m living through the teenage years and I’m not enjoying it one bit! I walk home and sit down with Jaz, it’s very rare now that she spends much time with me sitting and talking, so it’s lovely just to have a moment with her. I try and be positive and explain it’s only a small tumour, so I will just have surgery and that will be that. She’s happy with that explanation and I’ve kept everything positive for her. I don’t want her to see me upset, not after going through the same ordeal four months earlier with my mum/her nan.

 

I take my dog Ella for a walk. I stand at the top of the cliff tops and look out at the sea and cry into the wind and rain. Cancer????? Cancer??? This can’t be it???? None of my life makes any sense. My life flashes before my eyes …. And you know I’ve read that saying many times and never really thought about those words, it only happens when you think your near to death, you just think back at your life and you can’t make any sense of it. You feel that you’ve reached this time in your life and haven’t even started living your truth, your purpose, your hopes and dreams! There has been so much wasted time on emotional dramas, so much wasted time on things that don’t matter! What do I do with my time now? Do I run away and go abroad? The answer is no, my next goals are to sort out finances and start healing as much as I can, any which way I can! Time to research and completely change my life!

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December 13th 2015

Today was the beginning and the end. I didn’t know what this day would bring, but I was scared at the prospect of bad news. Bad luck seemed to have possessed me throughout the later part of my life, with an abusive relationship pulling all happiness right from under my feet! Two years ago I started my life again from scratch, I thought things were changing for the better as I started to change my mind set. I started manifesting wonderful things and I understood the language of the universe and the subconscious mind! I had my own radio show, I conducted a TEDX talk and I was on the path to living my dreams! But today, today was the beginning and the end!

My heart was pounding so fast I had to gasp for air, tears were uncontrollably running down my face. I felt like a fool! I was just sitting in the waiting room with my mum but I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. It was only 4 months ago when my mum had been through the same thing and I can remember holding her in my arms as she was shaking and crying. Holding your own mother in your arms somehow weakens the soul, my mum! Once so big and powerful in my eyes, now trembling like a frightened little girl. I comfort her and stay as strong as I can. Now it’s my turn, or not, only time will tell. Time is slower than I’ve ever experienced and every time I look at the clock the second hand moves in slow motion. As we sit waiting for my name to be called my mum tries to distract me by joking and talking about the colour of the walls!?! I know I’m over reacting so I try and calm myself down by taking deep breaths.

My name is called and a breast surgeon examines the lump that I’ve tried to ignore for most of the year, it’s an embarrassing situation, but after the examination she tells me that I need to have more tests. I put a hospital robe on and we are taken to another part of the ward to sit and wait again. I recall when this happened to my mum, they took 3 biopsies from her breast, she wasn’t expecting it and it frightened and shocked her, she then returned a few days later and was told she had breast cancer. This shook me and my daughter’s world, I looked up in the sky and shouted “Why?” and then begged God to heal her every day. Now she is sitting with me waiting again for the inevitable news.

I’m taken into a room to have a mammogram, I swore 4 months earlier this is something I would NEVER do, yet here I am with no choice. I take deep breaths and every time its squeezed painfully tight by the machine, I just hold my breath and count to 10. This seems to work well with my psyche, I start to relax and tell myself everything’s going to be ok. I return to my mum in a much lighter mood and we joke with the nurses.

The nurse returns with a concerned look on her face “We have to do more tests” She was very reassuring as I walked back into the mammogram room. This time it was very uncomfortable and counting to 10 didn’t work, it was extremely painful. I asked to see the mammogram and she showed me two areas that they were concerned about. Next was the ultra sound and then the doctor took 3 biopsies of the breast, blood dripped on the bed, it’s a horrible procedure and I can understand why it upset my mum. We had been in the hospital for over 3 hours I was exhausted and numb. I looked at the nurse in hope “what do you think the results will be?” she proceeded to tell me “it doesn’t look benign.” I walked down the corridor as my mum chatted away trying to lift my spirits. I was just dazed and emotionless …. What if this is it? What if this is the end? My life had just been one emotional turmoil after another, one failed relationship after another. I’d always clung to hope, hope that I would find the love of my life, optimism and anticipation that I would achieve my dreams! Now hope and optimism was drifting away fast.

 

I sit round my mums just watching television, I have a warm cup of earl grey, I watch mindless TV whilst she walks to the shops to get me pain killers, I won’t take them, but she needs to help in her own way. My mum returns and holds me in her arms “I just wish you hadn’t had such a tough deal in life” “I just wish something good would happen to us” We cry together at the thought of our lives and how we both still have our dreams inside of us, that still have never transpired.

 

I could have stayed all night but I had to get home for my little family consisting of an 8-year-old Cavalier called Ella and my 19-year-old daughter, Jasmine. I walk home in the dark, the wind and a light rain blows onto my face as I cry into the universe, repeating in my mind “please, please, please let me be ok, please.  This can’t be it! I have so much more to give!” It carries on raining softly into my face as I walk, my head is pounding and spinning. When I get home, nothing seems normal anymore, just nothingness is inside of me!  Before I knew it I was in bed reflecting on the day and feeling the pain of the biopsies, the night becomes restless and my dreams are dark and confusing.