16th December 2015
“The purple rose” is the name of my friend’s company, she conducts bespoke funerals of a non-religious nature and she puts her heart and soul into her work. Hazel is known as the purple rose, she certainly fits the part with her purple hair and big heart. We have been friends for around 7 years, we met when I taught a crystal workshop. At that time, it was her dream to set up a company that helped the dying and bereaved, she laughed as she said I would love to give funeral services. Now she is living her truth and doing all three. We appear in each other’s lives when we need help or lose direction. We are like each other’s guardian angel offering a hug and a hot cuppa and a listening ear. Hazel and I have talked a lot over the last two days to help me focus on a positive result and a plan for my future.
The day has come for my results, I feel positive but I need someone with me just in case it is bad news, so my friend of 14 years Ali drives me to the hospital. I know the Broadland suite like the back of my hand now after all the visits with my mum. My mum and Haz told me that if the breast cancer nurse is in the room you know it’s going to be bad news. I take a deep breath and play the waiting game again as my mind hopes for a positive result and my heart prepares for the worst.
I sit and wait with Ali, I always call her Boudicca because she has always been so strong for me and picked me up when I have been at my weakest. She has a dynamic energy, shes intelligent and interesting and more than that a wonderful, strong friend. Just lately I can see a more vulnerable side to her, I don’t know if it’s just me, maybe I’m starting to see a different side to people, a softer more childlike side that’s exposed and defenceless. I look at her differently now, she seems more human with her own weaknesses. She reminds me a little of my mum, a strong character but you can see vulnerability in their eyes. We sit in the waiting room, I’m keeping an eye on the breast nurse, Ali laughs at me as I look like a Meer cat sitting in the corner of the room.
My name is called; I walk into the room. My face and heart drops, the same breast care nurse that my mum had is sitting there next to the consultant. I cannot tell you the exact words that were said, all I heard was that I had cancer, I had an 18 mm tumour, plus another area that needed further investigation. That moment is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotion, Ali holds my hand as tears become uncontrollable running down my cheeks, I want to stop, I want to listen to what she is saying. My brain goes into yin and yang states, firstly I’m thinking how I can fix this then I go to shock, ME!?! Cancer?!? How the hell am I going to deal with this? The consultant talks in a matter of fact tone, this is just a normal day to her. I start thinking about all the research I did for my mum when she was diagnosed just months earlier! People have cured themselves with a high alkaline diet and no sugar, that’s what I will do! Tears are still falling uncontrollably whilst my thoughts are running wild. The nurse takes me into another room. Again I can’t remember what is said but I remember mentioning Latvia and Virotherapy, the nurse looked confused at my comments so I just remained quiet whilst holding onto a crumpled bit of tissue and dabbing my eyes.
I walked along the hospital corridor with Boudicca, it was just 3 days ago I was walking down the same corridor with my mum feeling numb, now my worst fears have materialised, my head is searching for answers, Ali is asking what I want to do, “I don’t know” I answer truthfully. What am I going to do next? What am I going to do? How am I going to tell my daughter? My heads full of hundreds of questions and I can’t find an answer for any of them. We walk into to the hospital café, I’m wondering around the small area dazed, I’ve temporarily forgotten how to make a coffee, so Ali takes over. From this moment on, no sugar and an alkaline diet I say out loud. When we sit down I talk about all the different treatments available around the world and I’m automatically trying to fix the situation as my head is swimming around looking for some kind of solution to all this. We talk about my daughter Jasmine, planning the best way to tell her the news. I’m absorbed with questions and shock, my mind is like a roundabout and my repeated question is “how am I going to tell my daughter?”
Ali takes me shopping and I buy organic food and smoothies. As soon as she drops me off I throw my bags indoors and go straight to my purple haired friend at the end of the road for a hug. Hazel gives good hugs and a nice mug of tea to warm the soul. Jasmine is working late tonight and I’m dreading the moment I see her. Hazel hugs me and we sit and talk for hours, she understands that Im alone in all this and offers herself, home and family as a constant support for me! I feel humbled at knowing such a person. Our conversations are broken with a text from Jaz. It’s time to go home and face my beautiful daughter. She is a teenager with an attitude and I miss my little girl dearly, I know one day my daughter and I will be close again but unfortunately I’m living through the teenage years and I’m not enjoying it one bit! I walk home and sit down with Jaz, it’s very rare now that she spends much time with me sitting and talking, so it’s lovely just to have a moment with her. I try and be positive and explain it’s only a small tumour, so I will just have surgery and that will be that. She’s happy with that explanation and I’ve kept everything positive for her. I don’t want her to see me upset, not after going through the same ordeal four months earlier with my mum/her nan.
I take my dog Ella for a walk. I stand at the top of the cliff tops and look out at the sea and cry into the wind and rain. Cancer????? Cancer??? This can’t be it???? None of my life makes any sense. My life flashes before my eyes …. And you know I’ve read that saying many times and never really thought about those words, it only happens when you think your near to death, you just think back at your life and you can’t make any sense of it. You feel that you’ve reached this time in your life and haven’t even started living your truth, your purpose, your hopes and dreams! There has been so much wasted time on emotional dramas, so much wasted time on things that don’t matter! What do I do with my time now? Do I run away and go abroad? The answer is no, my next goals are to sort out finances and start healing as much as I can, any which way I can! Time to research and completely change my life!